4 Tips to Survive and Conquer Black Friday Sales

Thanksgiving brought on the food, Black Friday brings on the chance to work that food off in mano-a-mano department store combat. A big demographic for Black Friday is students getting ready to start anew for the Spring semester. Some are beginning online courses, some are continuing their education, and some are starting off for the first time. Whether you’re purchasing a Toshiba computer to write those essays or an iPod to listen to music while you run to class, there is a method to the Black Friday madness. The are many tricks to finding success, here are a few helpful tips to get you on your way:

Tip #1, go for the single items before anything else. By this I mean don’t get that package of pens first, but instead go for a larger binder. While not very heavy, the binder’s corners are excellent bruise-making back-the-hell-off-my-package-of-pens deterrents. You see, by getting the binder first you’ve armed yourself for going into the crowded aisle of unarmed patrons all looking to get the same package of half-off pens.

Tip #2, don’t get a cart right away. Even if you need it for that Toshiba laptop, carts are burdens that slow you down. If Tom Cruise had saddled himself with a large shopping cart you think he would’ve made it halfway through The Last Samurai? I barely made it halfway through and I was just trying to watch it. Anyway, you should grab the items you can carry with your hands first because they are small and a cart would only inhibit you from getting them faster.

Tip #3, don’t be an ageist. I know, I know, it’s nice to think that if granny over there with more wrinkles than a shar-pei puppy wants the last graphic calculator that you’d give it to her. Don’t. First of all, what does an 80 year old need with a graphic calculator? Odds are her grand kids wrangled her into pulling the “I’m a poor old lady” card in order to take advantage of your kindness. If anything, grabbing one of the fuzzy pens they keep by the registers and chucking it at her as a distraction before stealing the calculator will help her, not hurt her. If she’s unable to deliver the goods, her bratty grand kids won’t force their grandma into temporary Black Friday slave labor next year.

Tip #4, know when to pick your battles. If you and some teenage punk are dueling over a thumb drive (which are sold EVERYWHERE) it’s time to realize you’re not really fighting for a thumb drive but for the pride you get once you’ve won it. I know how gratifying it would feel to beat out a hipster with a “Pabst Blue Ribbon” bumper sticker on their oh-so-retro Ford Falcon, but you need to remember that by not being a hipster yourself, you’ve already won.

Well consumers, I think you’re ready to hit the mean streets of Black Friday. Go! Boost our economy! And remember, if you have to, don’t be afraid to take out a grandma or two.