Christine O’Donnell, a Semi Factual Biography* or Reasons Why Christine O’Donnell Did Not Get Elected

Christine O’Donnell is largely considered by everyone to be the most influential member of the Republican Party.  Not only has she brought celebrity and awareness to the Tea Party, but she has also achieved so many personal, professional and spiritual successes that it’s hard to tell where she ends and Gandhi begins.

Her LinkedIn profile states that she has attended the prestigious Oxford University. Though not actually a student, she took a summer course from the Phoenix Institute that was located on Oxford’s campus. Which is pretty much the same thing. You can also read about her time at Claremont Graduate University, a particularly impressive achievement considering she received her Bachelor’s Degree from Fairleigh Dickinson University last summer, 17 years after starting there. Naysayers have come forth indicating that these educational claims seem to be fabricated since one cannot achieve a Master’s Degree without first earning a Bachelor’s Degree.

O’Donnell, always 5 steps ahead of critics, held a press conference pointing out that she in fact does not have a Master’s Degree and instead was a part of a conservative think tank based out of Claremont, thus not actually attending the Claremont Graduate program. “So there!” she added in final comments. Her camp later made statements suggesting that as long as one is physically present at a University for an undefined amount of time, one can factually say they attended said University. The press conference was determined a success and after kissing his pentagram necklace and thanking Gaia, her campaign manager was overheard whispering “the liberal media can take their [air quote]logic and sound reasoning [end air quote] and shove it.”

On a professional level O’Donnell takes great pride in having had outstanding working relationships will all her employers. While doing marketing for Mel Gibson’s movie, “Passion of the Christ”, she has commented on how well she and Gibson got along.

“It’s like we saw eye-to-eye on every issue. To this day, I have never met a more sane or morally correct individual.”

One of her more recent professional experiences prior to running for office was working for Intercollegiate Studies Institute, a conservative non-profit organization. Though in that relationship she experienced severe gender discrimination and sought almost 7 million dollars in damages, it is apparent she harbors no ill will. As a testament to her stand on complete professionalism, she pointed out that she could’ve sued for a helluva lot more.  “Just look at my smile, for Christ’s sake! I’m the darling of the conservative movement, but I respected them enough to only ask for a fair amount. 6.95 million. I mean, they’re a non-profit, not Donald Trump! Did I mention my fantastic smile?” O’Donnell eventually dropped the suit (sources say because of the financial burdens and a no-shot-in-hell-at-winning outlook).

O’Donnell’s impeccable career remains intact and as strong as ever, as evidenced by her almost successful campaign run. Though she had hoped to nab the Delaware senate seat vacated by Joe Biden, O’Donnell plans to bring the same level of integrity to any future endeavors. She put it best herself when she said during her primary run:

“I promise you guys are totally gonna like me more than old biddy Biden. ‘Kayso vote for me!”

*All of the statements made in this article about Christine O’Donnell’s educational and professional background are shockingly true. However, this is a satire piece and any quotes, thoughts, or actions made by all mentioned individuals are (to my knowledge) fictional.