Top 5 Lovers You DON’T Want This Valentine’s Day
I’m all for a bit of ‘how’s your father’ on Valentine’s Day, but there are certain people I wouldn’t want knocking on my bedroom door, if ya know what I mean. But how to rightly describe these people…? I know, I’ll go to the source that most honestly depicts people at their craziest: the movies! Because if there’s one thing we all know; movies never lie or exaggerate the truth.
1. Alex Forrest (aka Glenn Close) from “Fatal Attraction”. Let’s just say if I ever met her I’d put my pet bunny into a Rabbit Protection Program. When we first meet Alex she appears to be a successful business woman, so naturally she has a secret (because there’s no such thing as flourishing single women in movies). Making bunny stew is just the tip of the crazy-train this woman is riding. If you thought Glenn Close was a lunatic as Cruella de Vil, you ain’t seen nothing till you’ve seen her in this film.
2. Annie Wilks (aka Kathy Bates) from “Misery”. As a fan of the Harry Potter books I can say that I mildly understand being obsessed with something literary. However, I’m not about to grab a sledge hammer and knock some sense into J.K. Rowling because she killed off my favorite character (RIP Sirius Black). It’s no wonder Kathy Bates won the Oscar for this role, if I was in the Academy I’d be scared to death of not giving it to her lest she tie me to a bed and bash my ankles in.
3. David McCall (aka Mark Wahlberg) from “Fear”. Let me just begin this by saying that if MARK WAHLBERG wanted to stalk me, I’d tie myself to a bed (no Kathy Bates necessary). However, his character in Fear has some major rage issues. I mean, once I was able to stop fantasizing picturing him in those Calvin Klein underwear ads I was truly terrified.
4. Stuntman Mike (aka Kurt Russel) from “Death Proof”. I suppose there are worse ways to be stalked and murdered than a car accident, although that image of Sydney Poitier’s leg flying all willy-nilly on its own to the ground would suggest otherwise. But at least Rose McGowan got to die in a sweet matte black 1970 Chevy Nova. See? There’s always a silver lining!
5. Hedy Carlson (aka Jennifer Jason Leigh) from “Single White Female”. This movie has been remade a dozen times in several reincarnations, most recently in “The Roommate” starring Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meister and set in a college dorm (if there was ever an argument for online college, this would be it). After reading reviews I decided not to see this film as even that Justin Bieber movie looked more interesting, and I don’t know of a worse insult than that. But it just goes to show you that if you can’t remake the story of a deranged stiletto-wielding psychotic right, then you shouldn’t do it at all.
