Tea Party vs. Manatee
In this highly political climate where fear spreads through America as the debt-ceiling issue grows bigger, the war against terror still rages on, and the definition of marriage keeps being questioned, it’s important to remember that there are still smaller fish to fry. Well…maybe not fish, exactly.
It doesn’t take a degree in environmental science to make you aware of the massive threat of the Trichechidae, also known as the “Manatee” in Florida. This malicious beast roams the waters of Florida with the disposition of Lord Voldemort and a bloodlust that is only matched by the shark from “Jaws.” Many a Floridian as feared for their life upon entering the Gulf of Mexico or the Atlantic.
Moving on average at an incredible 3 to 4 miles per hour, these 1,000 pound aqua marine bullets have become a threat to the civilized society that has been forced to share their waters. But sharing doesn’t seem to be enough for these oceanic barbarians.
New restrictions have been proposed by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service in Kings Bay, Florida, that would cease the water sport zone that allows boats to fly through the water at high speeds. If that happens, people who use Kings Bay will have to submit to rules designed to help keep the Florida Manatee population safe.
You heard right! They want restrict people to help save not people. But don’t fret boat-owning humans with a need for speed; the Tea Party is here for you!
Edna Mattos, leader of the Citrus County Tea Party Patriots, said it best when she told the St. Petersburg Times “We cannot elevate nature above people… That’s against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.” I believe James Madison has this exact situation in mind when he proposed the Bill of Rights to Congress in 1789. As did Jesus.
Edna, or as she’s known by her street name: Sea Cow Hatin’ Thug Fo’ Life, is simply fighting for the right owed to every human being to be able to trample, maim, and/or kill wildlife that dares interfere with the Tea Party’s summer boating activities.
But it is in the following profound statement that Edna truly displays the deep philosophical problem plaguing her fellow Tea Partiers:“If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we’d be living in Jurassic Park now.”
Well put, Edna. I think we can all agree that if environmentalists had lived with the dinosaurs, we’d all currently be living in a prehistoric-themed amusement park whereby a highly probable and realistic set of events would take place setting up a dino-uprising that would, surely, ruin present and future boating activities for us all .
